Transitions

Last Saturday was prom for many of the teenagers in high school around here. Per tradition, many of the youth in our congregation wore their prom gown or tux to church on Sunday. Some of them wore their corsages or tried to keep their hair in the same coif as it had been the night before. Some of them will be graduating this week and are talking about which colleges they will attend in the fall.
Although much of high school was a time I would not like to repeat, I remember that along with all the feelings of anxiety and insecurity, there was also a sense of excitement and exhilaration. There was so much to be explored-- so much to do, to see, and to become. And my world really did revolve around me. What I wanted to do, where
I wanted to go to school and live, and who I wanted to spend my time with. I lived for me!

The lesson in Sunday was about transitions and turning points in life and handling them well. The teacher asked me to share a few thoughts on making the transition to motherhood and moving across the country at the same time. So here are my few thoughts:

The moment I had Anna, I had to stop living for me. It wasn't just about what I wanted to do or become-- everything I did involved another person. It probably should have been like that when I got married, but I believe I was still a little self-centered and selfish some of the time (probably much of the time). I was finishing law school and taking the bar exam and earning paychecks and running marathons. The pursuit of my own happiness was completely without obstacle.

And then I had this little person enter my life. And now instead of shining my own star, I try to make hers a little brighter each day. It is her accomplishments I boast of and whose happiness I pray for. My life is measured by her life.

Now, this is not to say that I don't still do things for me. I am running a half marathon in two weeks. I am mastering the art of meal planning and creation, and I sing...a lot. The difference is that I realize that I just don't matter as much I thought I did-- at least, not in the same way.
I always wanted to be important, and I thought I would achieve that by earning a lot of recognition doing great things. And yet, since having Anna, I have become so much more important than I have ever been. Because I am important to Anna. And if my world doesn't revolve around me anymore, her world certainly does. Maybe from now on, when people ask my occupation, I should say "full time human maker and character developer"

I have never been given a greater responsibility than this and I have never felt quite so inadequate to a task. I call on God, and my mom quite a bit. Anna seems to be doing just fine. I, on the other hand, am a work in progress.