Meaty Monday (a satire)

So lately I have been feeling guilty, really guilty about my diet. I noticed that I just had too much energy. When I looked at my dinner plate, there were so many colors represented there. And I realized, much to my chagrin, that the majority of my food intake were fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.
I decided to go see my doctor who confirmed that I was, in fact, very healthy. After a thorough examination, she finally told me the hard truth. If I didn't change my lifestyle soon, I was probably going to avoid most major diseases and live to be 100.
I sat there on the examination table in stunned silence, seeking to justify myself. When had I become so healthy? I remembered eating whole pans of brownies as a child. All I did was watch T.V. after school. I couldn't run a half mile without wanting to throw up! But somehow over the ensuing decade I had allowed myself to become healthier and healthier, and now I was embarrassed to admit to my doctor that I couldn't remember the last time I had purchased red meat.
I found myself trying to justify myself to her:
"I'm not really that healthy am I? I mean, I don't exercise at least 1 day a week, and I do have a propensity to eat chocolate chips straight out of the bag, and my husband and I eat out at least twice a month."
My weak excuses did nothing to phase my doctor. She responded:
"Although not exercising is generally a good way to decrease your health, you need to do it more consistently to make it have any effect. And I am sorry to say that the occasional dark chocolate binge would only nominally affect your overall health. If you are serious about trying to become more unhealthy, you are going to have to make a much more concerted effort to change your lifestyle for the worse."

She suggested that in addition to becoming more sedentary, I could try some small changes to my diet. Specifically, to add more meat to my diet. Apparently, my saturated and trans fat levels were alarmingly low and eating some fatty meat would be the surest way to increase them.

I had lots of questions for her. I didn't have experience making meaty meals. What kinds of meals center around meat? What kind of restaurants have meat entrees? What if I am out with co-workers or friends and I order meat...won't they think I'm weird? Won't it be a burden if I am invited over to dinner and I insist on a meat-centered meal? What if there is no meat available?

She took all my questions in stride. She suggested that I take baby steps. To start out by setting aside one day each week in which to increase my meat intake and to portion out precut bacon in plastic containers for easier snacking during the week. That way if I am tempted to take out some hummus and carrots, I will have an unhealthier option easily on hand.

So with that, I am going to start "Meaty Mondays." Each monday I will devote to trying out new meaty recipes. In preparation, I went out and bought all the tools I would need-- a George Foreman grill, some steak knives, and some A-1 sauce. Now I feel I am ready. I know it is only a small step toward unhealth, but it is a step nonetheless. And who knows, maybe someday all my meals will be meat centered and I can finally hear my doctor tell me "Rachael, congratulations, your arteries are almost completely blocked and your days are numbered unless you get an expensive bypass surgery!"

One can only dream!