She is loud. She is bright. She is stubborn. She is uninhibited. She has endless energy. She is observant and inquisitive. She is unaffected. She is impatient. She is competitive beyond belief. She is mine.
And she has always been good at making friends. She is the kind of girl who when she is at the beach will just find a group of kids and will start to play alongside them as she introduces herself. She makes herself at home in other homes and families and will start confiding her deepest thoughts to new people within seconds. I have never worried about her socially. I have been planning playdates for her since she was a baby and I still regularly get together with friends of mine who have kids Anna's age.
This year I was so excited to go to Anna's new preschool. Anna was enrolled with several kids whose parents I was close friends with and I was sure we were going to have a perfect experience and that Anna would again thrive in her new environment. But as the year progressed, I noticed a few things that began to bother me. When I would volunteer in the classroom, I would watch Anna and there was no one child that Anna regularly played with. She would flit from activity to activity without really connecting with the other children in the room. Outside, it seemed like she was playing on her own more often than not. And on the days I wasn't in the classroom, when I picked her up from school and asked her who she had played with that day, she would answer "no one." Sometimes she would talk about the "mean boys" or she would talk about a specific girl who would only play with another girl at the school (and therefore, not with her). She didn't seem too bothered by it really. It was more matter of fact. But some days as the other kids were planning play dates with each other and mothers were carpooling a bunch of kids together, Anna would ask me "who is going to come home with me today?" and I would answer "no one."
The year before, at Anna's last preschool, Anna had really connected with another girl in obvious ways so her mother and I had planned opportunities for the girls to play together outside of school. But this year, there was no one who was asking for Anna to come over, and I didn't know who to ask in return.
Last week, as I was getting ready to work in Anna's classroom, Anna's teacher pulled me aside and asked me if Anna had any close friends at the school. I had to honestly answer no (as I am on the verge of tears). Just in the last week I had seen an instance of her exclusion from a pair of girls playing together. Knowing that other adults had noticed these things as well should have made me feel relieved, but it devastated me. I adore my little daughter. I don't want her ever to hurt. I don't want her to realize that kids are not choosing her.
But what if she gets quieter and quieter. What if she starts turning inward and becomes hesitant and fearful and insecure and lonely.
And my own childhood insecurities just flooded back to me. So many dark years without any close friends. Not being bullied, but not fitting in anywhere, with anyone. Spending days, weeks, and months reading books in my room because no one was asking me to play over at their house. Going years without being invited to a birthday party. Feeling such deep loneliness and need. Getting anxious any time teams or groups had to be formed.
when I talked to my mom about what was happening with Anna at school, I started to sob, and I just kept saying "I don't want her to be like me!"
Well, my mom is my mom for a reason, and she told me "maybe you went through those things yourself so that you can help Anna through her challenges, whatever they may be."
Well, last Friday (the very day that Anna's teacher pulled me aside) as I was driving Anna to school, I prayed for God to give me a tender mercy-- some personal sign of his love and awareness of me and my family. Within 10 minutes of talking to Anna's teacher, as I was holding in my tears trying to glue gun some felt gingerbread men, one of the boys from Anna's class came up to Anna, tapped her on the shoulder, and told her to check her mailbox. In it was this:
I think that little boy saved me (I really did cry then)! He gave my girl a valentine (of sorts). She was SO excited. So she went and made him a Valentine. He and his family are coming over to our house for dinner on Saturday.
I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and still remembers the pain I experienced as a child and is still responding to my constant need for reassurance. I am so grateful He loves my girl even more than I can understand. And yes, I do know that there are worse things than being "like me." I know that I wouldn't be the woman I am now without the experiences I had as a child-- that all that adversity helped me to develop strength that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. But I just can't help wanting to spare Anna as much heartache as possible.
And really, outside of school, Anna has a lot of friends (Anna's teacher was very reassured by this). She gets together with friends and neighbors multiple times a week and she seems happy and normal and unaffected (so far) by whatever is happening or not happening at school. But it has certainly make me nervous about starting Kindergarten next year.
Homeschooling, anyone?
2 comments:
We have struggled with this with Hannah. she has always been a little different and other kids just didn't "get" her. or sometimes even understand the words she used. it went on for years. if she did find someone that she connected with, they always seemed to move. and just when she had found a tight group of friends, we moved her into a whole new program at a new school. when we moved to this house, I prayed for someone to move into the houses around us who had a daughter her age who would connect with Hannah. i felt like it was such a tall order, because Hannah is still just a little odd (and perfect, but still odd). I know just what you mean about tender mercies. out of the three houses built closest to ours, two of them have 12 year old girls. Perfectly odd little girls...who "get" Hannah. It will probably be something you notice all through Anna's childhood, but if she is anything like Hannah, she will be a fiercely loyal friend and will not take friendships for granted. I hope the rest of the school year goes really well!
One of my boys really just dances to the beat of his own drum, quite literally. So his interests have always been a bit different from his peers. He was always my kid who could play without needing to be around other kids. He was self content and totally ok with that. I worried. His kindergarten teacher kept an eye on him. He did have one best friend he worshiped and when she moved away. I arranged with her mom to keep them in the same ballet class at the dance studio so they could still see each other. He hasn't found a connection with another kid at school this year yet. He has been getting attention any way he knows how from other kids and not all of it positive. What I have noticed is that if I am very honest with his teachers about what I have observed, they are willing to bend over backwards to help where they can. They are pushing positive relationships with him and others. It is getting better. So no matter what you fear, be super honest and open with her teachers. They will help.
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