The battle hymn of the Tiger mother makes my ears hurt

It seems like you can't be alive and not have heard about the recent upheaval caused in the parenting world over Amy Chua's essays, entitled "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" also known as "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. If you haven't read it yet, click here

Ms. Chua builds a strong argument as to why Chinese mom's are superior, and she holds up herself and her two children as examples. She is a Yale professor who was raised by a Tiger mom and both her daughter are virtuoso musicians who have performed at Carnegie hall and who were consequently required to practice sometimes upwards of 6 hours a day. She says that they were not allowed to have play dates, sleep overs, watch T.V., participate in any school play, or get anything less than an "A" in any subject in school or be less than the best in whatever they did. Ms. Chua would help them become their best by pushing them to the limits and forcing them to practice until they achieved perfection. IN this pursuit, the child's own wishes were dismissed. If Ms. Chua saw effort that she deemed less than worthy, it would be rejected-- including handmade cards. This was the way Ms. Chua was raised and she says that she is very happy with her life and wouldn't change a thing about the way she has raised her daughters.

Ms Chua claims that being hard on your kids and expecting perfection gets them ready to compete in a global world and that Western parents care too much about their children's self esteem and that being too soft on our kids leaves them unprepared and unable to reach their potential.

After reading a few of her essays and observing the international warfare that has ensued, I have a few thoughts of my own:

1. I think there is a lot we can learn from Tiger mothers. I think many of us "western" parents can be more disciplined in enforcing expectations and providing guidance without coddling our children. American students are falling farther and farther behind their Chinese counterparts academically and their is much we can do to help provide them with greater preparation for college and for a global job market. However, this was not my first reaction. First, I was outraged-- mainly because her essays made me feel exceptionally insecure about my own methods of parenting and it was easier to blame her and point fingers and condemn her as a mother than acknowledge that I don't have everything figured out and could possibly improve in the way I raise my own kids.

2. I think there is much we can reject about Tiger mothers (if we want to). I don't think it is ever a good idea to call your child "garbage" even if you feel that deep down they know that you love them. I also don't think it is preferable to disregard a child's wishes, in favor of our own agenda, with regards to what extra-curricular activities they want to participate in or how they want to express themselves. I think that creativity should be encouraged, that children should be encouraged. I also think that Ms. Chua's methods could have taken her family a much different direction than it did. Many parents, in employing such strict methods, drive their children far from them. And as one critical reviewer noted, it seems like it is as much gifted genetics as anything that has predicted her and her daughter's success. I think that taking all the credit for a child's achievement or bearing all the responsibility for their "failure" is a little self-centered.

3. Ms. Chua contends that super strict parenting prepares children to compete in a global workplace and opens up doors for them in the future to pursue their real interests. If I believed that preparing to compete was the whole purpose of life then I might be more willing to use Ms. Chua's techniques as a parenting manual. But I deeply believe that the purpose of life is to find happiness! Not just pleasure, not just gratification, but true happiness. And I believe that a child's pursuit of happiness is every bit as important as their pursuit of scholastic or musical excellence. And I don't believe they are mutually exclusive!!

4. Enough with the mom guilt. Parents should do what they can to provide a good environment for their kids to grow, good guidance for shaping appropriate behavior and habits, and love love love!! But don't kick yourself because your children are not virtuoso pianists or because they don't love to read, or do not become the valedictorian of their high school and go on to Harvard. Every family is different, every child is different. One method of parenting will not work successfully for every family. And if you have gotten to the point where parenting has become a miserable process for you, then nobody wins.

So those are my thoughts. I have settled the debate for myself and found a happy healing point at which I can learn from Ms. Chua without being her. But what about you?

What are your thoughts?

Anna's hobby: Pinecone sorting

Anna's outside hobby, on the rare day when the sun shines enough for us to venture outside to soak up some vitamin D, is pine cone sorting. The large tree in the front of our yard gets quite a few pine cones piled up at its base. So Anna feels it is her particular duty to remove said pine cones from the yard and to transfer them to the street.
every pine cone is specifically placed in the street. Sometimes she wanders up and down looking for just the right spot of paved road. I have seen her place a pine cone down somewhere, and then, dissatisfied with the position, take it up again to reposition it somewhere else.

maybe she is writing code. Perhaps she is spelling "help" and hoping some low flying plane will see it and save her from the woes of toddlerhood.
in any case, it certainly occupies her whole soul when she is doing it. I love to watch her. Sometimes I try to make her laugh by picking up one of her pine cones and tossing it toward her and saying "pine cone!" in a funny voice...but she just looks at me as if to say "mommy, I don't have time for jokes right now-- this is serious stuff!"

love that little lady.

It feels good!

I am a practicing attorney and it feels good. And I think "practicing" is a good term to use because I am not very good at it yet. But that is okay because it is all pro bono, volunteer time.

I have a regular gig at the Eastside Legal Assistance Program on Friday mornings and my special project is going to be running the self-help dissolution workshops for uncontested divorces. This means that I will help couples file for divorce in situations where there are no issues for a court to resolve, and in most cases, no kids. The lesson: kids=issues+conflict (unfortunately).

I get to work with some great people there. One in particular I could see as my attorney life mentor. She has two kids and she took 18 months off work each time. She handles primarily the domestic violence cases.

And in other matters, people are starting to refer their friends to me who need help with legal issues. I don't know a lot (with respect to the amount of information that I COULD know), but it is amazing how the little that I do know, applies in all sorts of situations. Sometimes people just want someone to listen to them and keep them calm and to sort out their thoughts.

It feels good. It makes the rest of my mommy life a lot more enjoyable to know that I am doing something with my education, and I think it will provide a good example to my daughter to see her mom working a little in the community. It certainly gets the monkey off my back (you know, that monkey that keeps whispering in your ear "why did you go to law school, why did you go to law school...")

and the great thing is, this is exactly why I went to law school! I went there with the intention to be a public interest attorney-- to help people and families in need. Granted, the bulk of my time will be spent helping to dissolve marriages...but I can't be picky right now!

and a thank you to my husband, who is able to provide for our family, so that I can work for free!

A tale of 8 toothbrushes

WE have a lot of toothbrushes in our house. This photo only shows five of them. There are an additional three in our other bathroom and one in our kitchen.
The reason for the many toothbrushes is this:
Richard doesn't like to use his toothbrush once someone else has used it. Unfortunately, all of our toothbrushes are the free ones you get from dentist/orthodontist offices, and they are all the same color, so I often make mistakes and use his at night. And then he feels the need to get a new one. I don't understand it. I mean, we kiss...isn't that about on the same germ sharing level as using each other's toothbrush?

Luckily, Anna likes to use multiple toothbrushes when she brushes her teeth. One in each hand and I get to use a third to help her out. She would brush her teeth three or four times a day if I let her.
she likes to have her friends (aka her toys) come to watch. Here she is trying to help Elmo brush his teeth. Today, she brought a couple of ducks from the bathtub to be with her.
so now Richard has taken matters into his own hands. We buy toothbrushes of different colors, and...
he writes his name on his toothbrush. And really, I don't blame him. Once when I was at a sleep over, I forgot my toothbrush and used one that was there. When I visit my parents, I just use whatever toothbrush is in my mom's bathroom (because its the closest bathroom). And once, I accidentally knocked someone else's toothbrush into the toilet and just rinsed it off, dried it, and put it back (I was very little at the time...I wouldn't do that any more!)

Beauty Pageants

I just watched the Miss America Pageant this weekend. It probably seems out of character, but I have always loved watching the pageant with my mom and sisters. Up until this year I just watched it, appreciated the entertainment value, and thought nothing of it the rest of the year. I have never actually seen a Miss America pageant winner make good on her promise of changing the world. I have never even seen a ribbon cutting.
But this year, I actually thought for a bit about the objective of the Miss America Pageant and how the producers have decided to achieve that objective.

I took this mission statement from the Miss America website:

"Rich in history and social significance, the Miss America Organization is a not-for-profit organization that has maintained a tradition for many decades of empowering young women to achieve their personal and professional goals, while providing a forum in which to express their opinions, talent and intelligence. "

And the way they have chosen to achieve their goal is through a pageant. I don't have anything against pageants, in fact, I participated in one a long time ago when I was going to Dixie College. It was the D-Queen pageant, and the categories included interview, community service, personality presentation, academic excellence, and evening wear. There was no bathing suit section. My personality presentation was comedic breadbaking (I had just finished a job working at Great Harvest). I actually got first runner up. My family was surprised. So surprised that they didn't even bring cameras to the pageant-- thus I have no pictures. But it happened!!

Anyway, the Miss America pageant show starts with 15 semi finalists, 11 of which are chosen based on their total scores from the previous days preliminary events and 4 are popular votes (based on America's choice and the other contestant's choice). However, once the show really gets going, girls are eliminated after each individual event. So you would think that they would start the show with the most important events so that the girls who got eliminated were least worthy of the award. But they don't. They start with the bathing suit competition! And I still have no idea what criteria they use to judge this particular event, but if you don't walk with enough swagger and sway, you get eliminated. It doesn't matter if you are the most eloquent, talented girl in the bunch. You fail at swimsuit, and you are OUT. So after the swimsuit competition is evening wear. Again, if you don't walk in your high heels with enough grace, you get eliminated. Finally, the third event is the talent portion. And this is when the absurdity of it all really reveals itself. There were a few really talented girls (the winner did an amazing piano piece that made me want to stand up and applaud, and the runner up was a ventriloquist...thats right a VENTRILOQUIST!!!), but some of the girls looked like they could have been performing in a high school assembly. One girl did a really unimpressive dance to Michael Jackson's "the way you make me feel" and she really didn't do the king of pop any justice.

So the girls don't even have to speak until the FOURTH category-- impromptu question. The judges apparently considered all the questions equally difficult, but one girl was asked if she considered herself first a citizen of her state, a citizen of her country, or a citizen of the world (an EASY question because all you have to say is that you consider yourself a citizen of the world and that we are all human beings and should love each other), while another girl got asked what her opinion was on Wikileaks and whether the government should be justified in keeping secrets.

Absurd. But fun. And fascinating.

I guess I got mad because the girl from Utah made it in the top 15, not as a popular choice, but based on her preliminary scores. Once she ascended the stage in her swimsuit, I knew she was not going to go further in the competition because she was a little stiff onstage in her swimsuit and didn't pander to the camera like some of the other contestants. So some of the sexier, popular choice contestants made it further while she got eliminated. I was left wondering what talent she might have been able to perform or how she would have answered the question at the end had she not been eliminated. Who knows-- maybe she would have done a puppet show as her talent, but maybe she might have performed an amazing violin solo or sung an opera aria.

But the pageant values a sexy body first, grace while walking second, talent third, and intelligence fourth.

So there you go. I was happy with the winner though. Miss Nebraska. An amazing piano player and she wants to be a Supreme Court justice when she grows up. However, its a good thing she was sexy enough in the first rounds to actually be able to show America that she has talent, grace, and intelligence.

What makes a vegetarian tick?

I have been thinking about vegetarianism lately. About what makes them tick. I get veganism. That makes sense. No animal products whatsoever. It actually has some rationale and logical boundaries.
But vegetarianism? All of the vegetarian cookbooks I have include a lot of egg dishes. It doesn't make sense to me. The last I checked, eggs were just chickens of unrealized potential. I don't think it has changed.

If people are vegetarians for health reasons, then the eggs thing doesn't make sense, because you might as well have lean chicken breast and not get the cholesterol included in egg yolks.

If people are vegetarians for animal ethics purposes, then both milk and eggs don't make sense. Why draw a line at killing animals if you support animal exploitation. A lot of cows and chickens don't live in the best environments and probably don't LOVE what they do. It could almost be seen as slavery.

I am not for or against being vegetarian. We eat mostly vegetarian because our (meaning specifically mine and Richard's) bodies seem to respond better to less meat in our diets and we physically feel better eating more fruits, vegetables and grains. But I like meat occasionally and I have never felt bad eating eggs or any other animal byproduct. I have no ethical reservations, whatsoever. The fact that Richard thinks that meat is weird-- ESPECIALLY eggs, just gives us further reason to eat less of it. But it has no tie to any concern for animals.

I guess you could call us flexitarians, or flexi-vegans.

So why do vegetarians eat eggs? why are people vegetarian? that is my question.

A sushi New Years!

Richard and I had an awesome New Years celebration! We spent it with my brother and his wife, rolling some amazing sushi! We had never made sushi before, and I have to say that it turned out great. Sushi is going to make the regular rotation of meals now!
Like everything he does, the Sushi Richard made was big!
Sushi has all the elements of a fun meal: colorful, handheld, and dipping sauce. Its like playing with your food!
the pretty ones were made by Courtney and I.

On our way home from Salt Lake to Seattle, Richard and I discussed the year in review and made goals for the new year

Highlights of 2010:
1) Christmas trip to Colorado
2) Anna's first Birthday
3) our first cruise
4) Anna playing in the sand on the Oregon coast
5) Eating at Bella Italia
6) hiking around Crescent Lake
7) Community bowl
8) BYU beating theUniversity of Washington in football
9) Anna learning to walk and talk
10) sitting behind Bill Gates at the opera
11) winning Scrabble on Christmas day
12) performing "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair" in the stake musical
13) seeing a Beluga whale in the Vancouver aquarium
14) going to Canada for Richard's first time
15) running the Rock n Roll half marathon
16) a phone call from Ken Jennings

Goals for 2011
1) be happy
2) leave the country (kind of easy when you live two hours away from Canada)
3) Rachael-- learn 10 new Spanish words each week
4) flexi-veganism
5) monthly temple attendance
6) daily scripture study with Anna
7) one REAL date night each month
8) one romantic weekend without Anna
9) Richard-- complete all billable hours and exercise 5x each week.