It seems like you can't be alive and not have heard about the recent upheaval caused in the parenting world over Amy Chua's essays, entitled "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" also known as "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. If you haven't read it yet, click here
Ms. Chua builds a strong argument as to why Chinese mom's are superior, and she holds up herself and her two children as examples. She is a Yale professor who was raised by a Tiger mom and both her daughter are virtuoso musicians who have performed at Carnegie hall and who were consequently required to practice sometimes upwards of 6 hours a day. She says that they were not allowed to have play dates, sleep overs, watch T.V., participate in any school play, or get anything less than an "A" in any subject in school or be less than the best in whatever they did. Ms. Chua would help them become their best by pushing them to the limits and forcing them to practice until they achieved perfection. IN this pursuit, the child's own wishes were dismissed. If Ms. Chua saw effort that she deemed less than worthy, it would be rejected-- including handmade cards. This was the way Ms. Chua was raised and she says that she is very happy with her life and wouldn't change a thing about the way she has raised her daughters.
Ms Chua claims that being hard on your kids and expecting perfection gets them ready to compete in a global world and that Western parents care too much about their children's self esteem and that being too soft on our kids leaves them unprepared and unable to reach their potential.
After reading a few of her essays and observing the international warfare that has ensued, I have a few thoughts of my own:
1. I think there is a lot we can learn from Tiger mothers. I think many of us "western" parents can be more disciplined in enforcing expectations and providing guidance without coddling our children. American students are falling farther and farther behind their Chinese counterparts academically and their is much we can do to help provide them with greater preparation for college and for a global job market. However, this was not my first reaction. First, I was outraged-- mainly because her essays made me feel exceptionally insecure about my own methods of parenting and it was easier to blame her and point fingers and condemn her as a mother than acknowledge that I don't have everything figured out and could possibly improve in the way I raise my own kids.
2. I think there is much we can reject about Tiger mothers (if we want to). I don't think it is ever a good idea to call your child "garbage" even if you feel that deep down they know that you love them. I also don't think it is preferable to disregard a child's wishes, in favor of our own agenda, with regards to what extra-curricular activities they want to participate in or how they want to express themselves. I think that creativity should be encouraged, that children should be encouraged. I also think that Ms. Chua's methods could have taken her family a much different direction than it did. Many parents, in employing such strict methods, drive their children far from them. And as one critical reviewer noted, it seems like it is as much gifted genetics as anything that has predicted her and her daughter's success. I think that taking all the credit for a child's achievement or bearing all the responsibility for their "failure" is a little self-centered.
3. Ms. Chua contends that super strict parenting prepares children to compete in a global workplace and opens up doors for them in the future to pursue their real interests. If I believed that preparing to compete was the whole purpose of life then I might be more willing to use Ms. Chua's techniques as a parenting manual. But I deeply believe that the purpose of life is to find happiness! Not just pleasure, not just gratification, but true happiness. And I believe that a child's pursuit of happiness is every bit as important as their pursuit of scholastic or musical excellence. And I don't believe they are mutually exclusive!!
4. Enough with the mom guilt. Parents should do what they can to provide a good environment for their kids to grow, good guidance for shaping appropriate behavior and habits, and love love love!! But don't kick yourself because your children are not virtuoso pianists or because they don't love to read, or do not become the valedictorian of their high school and go on to Harvard. Every family is different, every child is different. One method of parenting will not work successfully for every family. And if you have gotten to the point where parenting has become a miserable process for you, then nobody wins.
So those are my thoughts. I have settled the debate for myself and found a happy healing point at which I can learn from Ms. Chua without being her. But what about you?
What are your thoughts?
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5 comments:
I want to read her book. She isn't horrible in my opinion. http://www.mynorthwest.com/category/local_news_articles/20110121/Tiger-mom-says-book-is-memoir,-not-how~to-guide/
Scroll to the bottom of the article and you can see she is paying attention to her daughter's needs. I have it on hold at the library. I will get it eventually and judge for myself. It is interesting to me to see cultural differences though. What little we have read about this 'Tiger Mother', Zeke says his aunt is like this.
I somehow haven't heard about this. I guess because parenting literature is not quite on the radar for me yet, but I've added it to my list fo stuff to read. It sounds really interesting. Thanks for sharing.
I'd say my philosophy falls somewhere in between hers and "Western" parenting. I think a lot of it comes from growing up in a biracial/bicultural home. My parents, particularly my Asian father, were very strict about schooling. Anything less than an A was unacceptable, but he always said it was because he knew that's what we were capable of. He was right.
As far as extracurriculars, we each played and instrument and did a sport--we got to choose which. I like this. It taught us discipline, but was more encouraging and enjoyable because we chose. But school was always top priority before any extracurricular. School and Church.
My two cents.
Great Discussion! It really makes you think about priorities and the whole reason why children are so important.
For some reason the whole thing reminds me of the Disney Channel show "Even Stevens" from a few years ago... the whole family was made up of over achievers, especially the youngest who was an over achiever at being funny!
There was an interesting response in the Deseret News that I found really thought provoking, because it called for a return to the "Farm Parenting" of older America as a middle road.
http://www.deseretnews.com/blog/81/10011229/A-World-of-Good-Why-farm-mothers-are-superior.html
and, just for good measure, there was another synopsis of the whole thing published in the Mormon Times section:
http://www.mormontimes.com/article/19511/Finding-the-right-combination-between-Amy-Chua-and-Barney
It was interesting to read this and I'd be interested to read the book too. Ultimately, I think she's a great mom because she has high expectations for her kids and is willing to put in the time to help them reach those expectations. There's a lot I could say from an educator's stand point as well - for many years the country got overly excited about helping everyone have high self-esteem by telling every child they were special & great & unique. While this is true, a child doesn't truly feel this way until they've had those moments of success and excellence. Telling every child that they were brilliant, without the child having to do anything to prove it, sort of backfired. Because if everyone is already saying you're great, why would you try any harder?
So, I'm really rambling here, but I think there's a lot of good to be learned from this type of parenting. Certainly, I don't agree with all the methods (calling a child garbage . . .and I like playdates), but I admire her consistency & devotion to her kids. If every parent put that much energy into helping their children succeed, the world would be better.
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