The past few days have been kind of hard.
I'm not complaining about being a mom. Believe me, I know that I am blessed, and I am sure that there are women all over who are thinking, "I would trade places with you in a heartbeat" or "all I want is to be able to stay at home with a little baby all day." Its just hard sometimes.
You know, the days where there is no specific plan except to just get through the day. When you feel like you have no new ideas on how to entertain an insatiable 8 month old. When the naps only last 45 minutes and there is no time to take a shower. When I wonder why I went to law school when the only person I see all day, every day doesn't appreciate my fine reasoning skills or use of the socratic method ("Anna...what did you just put in your mouth?")
Even though I have been recently reminded of the importance of great mothering...its sometimes hard to feel that its important.
I really appreciated the words of a talk in the recent General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Julie Beck stated that:
"Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities."
In law school I kind of got used to regularly receiving commendation and appreciation for the work I was doing. I felt important. My ego was regularly petted.
Now I have embarked on an exponentially more important work that is inversely proportional to the kind of respect the world gives it.
After feeling absolutely listless and lost for a couple of days, I realized that I needed to get my life in order. I needed to find self-purpose. I needed to start developing myself again, both for myself and my family. I realized that I still deeply believe that I have much to contribute to the world, personally and professionally, and that if I want to do great things I still need to progress toward becoming a great woman.
So I have started making lists and goals and agendas. I am going to dust off some talents that haven't been used in awhile and I am going to try to create purpose in each day. Only instead of an hourly schedule throughout the week, each day of my schedule is broken into Anna's "wake" periods and "sleep" periods, and the things I want to accomplish during each.
We'll see how it goes.
Either way, I felt God's love for me in the sunshine that peaked from behind the clouds as I walked with Anna today. I had a little talk with Him to let Him know how I was doing. I know He is aware of me and wants me to be happy.
And I am.
50+ Vegetarian Dinner Recipes
3 days ago
6 comments:
I have been feeling the same way as of late. The talks given during general conference were what I needed to hear. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
That's so interesting to me that we have such different perspectives. I feel like law school has been sort of a constant blow to my ego. Part of the reason I look forward to motherhood is that I will have a little someone who depends on me, someone who actually needs me and my skills. Maybe that will change once I'm a mother, who knows?
I just love you!!!!!!! I love your perspective and your gift of writing :) It is my favorite when you update your blog so I have the pleasure of reading it! You encourage ME that maybe someday I can be a mom too. Even though I know it will be hard.
Sometimes I feel frustrated by all the 'to do's' and 'must get done's'. Lately I realized I need more balance, and sometimes things need to wait until tomorrow, or next week. It will be ok.
I think you totally have the right idea in finding small ways to develop your knowledge, talents, and to feel like you are contributing. You are a great READER, which I think is important! You go out for walks, you reach out to new people, you ARE contributing, even if you don't realize it. Have you tried indexing? I think that's a lot of fun too, and you can start and stop when necessary, leave it open all day if you have to and do a few lines at a time.
And just you wait...once Anna can actually respond to you verbally or with hugs or funny things each day, you will see your contributions manifest through her and the things you are teaching her. And even though the teenage years may be hard, someday she will come back to you and say 'thanks mom' for all that you did :) It's too bad you have to wait so long!
You inspire me. Sure wish there weren't 2,223 miles separating us! (really-I just mapquested it)
great post! i SO know what you mean...after having worked while having 1 kid, and now having 2, some days i wish i would just drop them off at daycare and get some meaningful work it!
but that's when i do remember how truly blessed i am that i don't _have_ to go to work. i could if that's what we needed, but at this time it isn't. my important work is here, just like they said in conference.
and yes, i, like you, was very used to getting my ego "petted" and people telling me what a wonderful job i was doing. it's hard because no matter how good someone tells you you are doing as a mom, you inevitably feel like you should be doing more, doing better. as discouraging as that feels sometimes, i also think it's good, because it means we're trying. it means we care, and that's what our children really need!!
Oh my goodness, those days are hard. But they do get better, I promise. You start to realize what am impact you are having, but it does take effort like you're committing. If you want to just get through the days, that's what will happen. But if you do like you are, and take each moment as a gift see the big picture, it's a joy. (not every moment, but most)
BTW.... I need your phone number again, I lost my phone in our recent move and I got your message, but no way to call you back! We are ssooooo excited to see you and want you to come today!!
check my photoblog...you're in it.:) girl's night was fun and I loved your pizza.
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