Ordering my life

The past few days have been kind of hard.

I'm not complaining about being a mom. Believe me, I know that I am blessed, and I am sure that there are women all over who are thinking, "I would trade places with you in a heartbeat" or "all I want is to be able to stay at home with a little baby all day." Its just hard sometimes.

You know, the days where there is no specific plan except to just get through the day. When you feel like you have no new ideas on how to entertain an insatiable 8 month old. When the naps only last 45 minutes and there is no time to take a shower. When I wonder why I went to law school when the only person I see all day, every day doesn't appreciate my fine reasoning skills or use of the socratic method ("Anna...what did you just put in your mouth?")

Even though I have been recently reminded of the importance of great mothering...its sometimes hard to feel that its important.

I really appreciated the words of a talk in the recent General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Julie Beck stated that:

"Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities."

In law school I kind of got used to regularly receiving commendation and appreciation for the work I was doing. I felt important. My ego was regularly petted.

Now I have embarked on an exponentially more important work that is inversely proportional to the kind of respect the world gives it.

After feeling absolutely listless and lost for a couple of days, I realized that I needed to get my life in order. I needed to find self-purpose. I needed to start developing myself again, both for myself and my family. I realized that I still deeply believe that I have much to contribute to the world, personally and professionally, and that if I want to do great things I still need to progress toward becoming a great woman.

So I have started making lists and goals and agendas. I am going to dust off some talents that haven't been used in awhile and I am going to try to create purpose in each day. Only instead of an hourly schedule throughout the week, each day of my schedule is broken into Anna's "wake" periods and "sleep" periods, and the things I want to accomplish during each.

We'll see how it goes.

Either way, I felt God's love for me in the sunshine that peaked from behind the clouds as I walked with Anna today. I had a little talk with Him to let Him know how I was doing. I know He is aware of me and wants me to be happy.

And I am.