I wonder if I will ever get life really figured out-- blueprint, map, "you are here," collect $200 as you pass "Go" kind of thing.
I find I am still trying to decide what I want to do and be when I grow up. I have this inner woman who tells me that I am capable of so much, but when I press her for details, she goes quiet. I find myself wondering what my future will hold and what kind of role I will play in it-- active, passive, builder, watcher, worker, mother.
I have this law degree, and it scares me to death to use it. I am intelligent and skilled, but I feel my education and training fading with each week wherein my activities consist primarily of park hopping, reading time, and cooking. sometimes I wonder if I am using motherhood as an excuse to avoid facing my own profession-- afraid I will find out that I am really incompetent after all, and that it was all a good show during school when the stakes weren't real.
And then other times I wonder if my hesitation to work as a lawyer comes from some place in the inner recesses of my soul which actually does find true contentment in being a stay at home mom. And would I be embarrassed to admit that I like being a stay at home mom? Shouldn't the feminist in me resist that title with every fiber of my gloriously empowered female being? Shouldn't I secretly resent having to stay at home while my former classmates make six figure salaries. Shouldn't I yearn for the power and recognition inside a career in the law? Is my attraction to work in the public interest sector a reflection of true altruistic desires to help, or a subconscious avoidance of the high demands and billable hours of the private sector?
If only there was an app for that!
Some button that I could push on my iphone that would tell me I am standing in the right place, doing the right thing, and that no other location or occupation would make me happier. Because I think a lot of people think there is a happier place/occupation/balance out there, and lose precious time trying to find something that they already have, or end up getting something that they didn't really want (they just think they wanted it-- only to find out that it wasn't nearly as attractive as it appeared in the distance).
So here I am, pretty darn happy to be a mom...but almost too happy. My life should be more complicated than this. I should have more stress, obligations, restrictions in my life than there is now. In short, I need to be busy doing something important, and hard, and losing sleep over it. Because biblically, I am in the 10 talent range....right? And just like Spiderman-- where much is given, much is required. But what if it wasn't 10 talents, what if it was only five, or two, or even...just one!
What if all God really wants from me...right now...is to tend the little garden of my home. Could that be enough? Perhaps for today, it is.
And since I am going to live to be 100, maybe there is time in the future for great community building, personal advising, counseling in important things-- a senate race or two. And maybe someday my voice will be just as loud in the community as it is in my kitchen. Maybe there is time for all of it...
I don't know-- I am just trying to find my way!
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8 comments:
Well written. You are not alone in your ponderings about life balance and goals and purpose. Teachers don't make 6 figure salaries though, so that has never played into my musings on life. :)
I know what you mean. I'm pretty content being a SAHM, but there are days I miss my work and feel like my skills are slipping away. I worry if I wait too long, I won't be able to return to work. But I also think that if all I do is spend time with and raise my beautiful child(ren), I think I could be ok. I'm still figuring it out too. ;)
Dangit, someone must have forgotten me when it came to the six figure income thing.
And in my view, public interest attorneys probably work harder per dollar than private attorneys.
Finally, I have no doubt that when you practice, you will be outstanding. Not just adequate, outstanding.
I hope you can figure out what works best for you. Good luck with those difficult decisions and questions.
You know, there isn't anything wrong with being content as a SAHM. I don't think it negates any feminist inclinations that you might have. Motherhood does embody feminism too: motherhood is inherently female!
After working full-time for 4 years I am so happy to be at home! I can actually get dinner on the table, clean a bit each day and not all on Saturday, and play with Asher. I'm loving it! However, I do have my moments when I wonder if he'd be better off with a nanny while I work because some days it's just not fun, but we just chalk that up to life and move on, right? :) Kids need their moms, and it is even better when their moms love what they do!
btw, feminism, sheminism! Each women deep down inside their soul knows what they were designed to do and I don't think you need to fear judgment from a movement where people decided to stop wearing bras to make a point. Joy in this life for women can come from doing a variety of things. Don't fear the urge to be a mom, and don't doubt your awesome knowledge of law when it comes time to use it. I'm holding on to what I know as best I can if someday the classroom calls again. :)
I like what Ruth said :) And Rachael, you are a GREAT writer! I love reading your posts. You are so good at articulating your feelings.
You are ENTIRELY CAPABLE of doing whatever you WANT to do.
Miss you!
Ah yes. Such important questions. I wish I had answers to give you. Here are some generalizations instead: Don't be afraid to walk the path that is best for you and your family. Ignore negative comments and feelings from others (whether they're feminists,stay-at-home-moms, or both). Find joy in whatever you choose to do.
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