One of my goals before this new baby is born is to teach Anna to swim. I also want to teach her to potty train (I am pretty good at it myself, so I figure I have expert advice to give her). Both of those goals are going to be pretty slow in coming, I can tell. Anna loves to take her diaper off, but does not want to use the toilet AT ALL. When I ask her, she resolutely refuses, and freaks out if I try to put her on the real deal.
I thought swimming would be easy. Anna loves water, but only if she has complete control over it, it seems. We went to the local aquatic center that has a warm water pool, and she would have spent the whole time going up and down the steps if I had let her. She loves the feel of the water, but does not want her head to go under the water, and if it is deep enough that she can't touch the bottom she clings to me like a barnacle.
I thought we would practice floating and kicking. I kept trying to convince her that I had her the whole time and that I wouldn't let go, but she looked so nervous every time I tried to place her on her back with my hand supporting her from beneath. After a first initial unsuccessful attempt, I let her play on the steps for about 20 minutes before guiding her back into the pool to practice the floating thing again. This time as I tried to place her on her back, she looked at me, and with a tremulous voice asked, "can Anna die?"
It made my heart stop for a moment. I wanted to respond "No, Anna can never die, and will never die!" but I knew that was not true, so instead I just reassured her that she was safe, and that I was never going to let go-- that I would hold her the whole time. I let her play the rest of the time without forcing any other "skills" on her.
Her comment made me face my greatest fear. Before Anna was born, my greatest fear was being forgotten and unimportant. Now that I am a mother, my greatest fear is living without my sweet girl. I know there is so much that is outside of my control. I know that I cannot prevent every catastrophe from happening. I know I cannot be there every moment of her life to shield her from pain. And I know that sometimes children do die...and I cannot expect that I am safe from ever going through that tragedy.
But my prayer is always that God will allow me to have her for as long as possible.
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2 comments:
I can definitly relate to that gut wrenching feeling of trying to imagine life without them... I feel like if I lost Mark or one of my children that I wouldn't be able to breath because I feel my throat closing up just thinking about it and yet none of us are immune from heartache. Over the past year I have developed a new fear though that haunts me even more ... my kids growing up without me. I guess if I were forced to pick (heaven forbid) I would rather lose them though then have them grow up without me. I think of little Lincoln and wonder if he would even remember me if I died tomorrow or ever really know how deeply I loved him. I think I would rather endure the heartache of losing them then have them grow up not knowing how much I love them.
Ditto to EVERYTHING Natasha said. I have had those same feelings a lot. And it totally tears at my heart and soul. Last week when we left Owen at my sister's overnight, I thought - what if we get in an accident and die and this is the last time he sees us? What if he wanders around saying, "Mama? Dada?" looking for us and never finds us. So awful. Becoming a parent changes your perspective so much on all of this. I lost my brother a couple years ago, and my mom had such a hard time with it. She talked about how the pain of a parent losing a child is incomparable to anything else. I think I'm starting to understand what she meant.
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